Originally posted on Goonersphere.
‘In an hour, we have the next, must-watch instalment of Kim Kardashian’s latest series – The Khardashians Get Athletes Foot – but next up we have a real treat for you on BBC82, Sky Channel 4235. David Attenborough is back, going to all manner of lengths to gaze at scapegoats in their natural habitat.’


“In every country, there are animals that are shunned. Dogs in China, Guinea Pigs in Peru, and sharks the world over, are viewed as unnecessary. Their place in the natural world is shifted, as they fight to adapt upon the stringent conditions placed upon them by humans.”

“In Britain, foxes have always suffered at the hands of man, thanks to their scavenging tendencies, which put these creatures at loggerheads with farmers and their brethren. Thus, they have been persecuted and hunted.”

“In a certain corner of London, a breed of scapegoat has found a home, and the locals are none too happy with this new tenant. Scapegoats can be found in every country, but in North London, the previously rare Cannonus Haterei has flourished. Scapegoats can be found congregating wherever excuses are required, and in this particular location, this animal has more than enough sustenance.”

“Cannonus Haterei – or the Cannon Scapegoat – now lives in amongst the local population, but they are not welcome. People have left scapegoat traps all around their domain, and a clearer message cannot be sent. Yet, they remain, and thrive. How, and why?”

“The Cannon scapegoat has always lived here, but this boom in population has been sourced back to the last few years, and in particular, the malaise that surrounds Arsenal Football Club.” 

“As the frustration grows at The Emirates, more scapegoat pups are brought into the world. As blame is sought, the frequency of scapegoat litters spikes dramatically. In particular, there are even sub-breeds of this highlighted animal – the Mertesackus Pernus, and the Walcotian Theum – which serve to shine a light on just a couple of the reasons why this animal is so plentiful in the area.”

The great scapegoat culling of the ’70’s through to the present day in Merseyside shows an effective, if ignorant, technique to combat the scapegoat plague. And a plague is exactly what it is. Feeding mercilessly from the negativity and hatred that forms when blame is doled out liberally and blindly, the scapegoat culling in Liverpool was so effective as it turned a blind eye to the errors of the local football club, and chose only to blame extraneously. Thus, the scapegoats found a new home at the feet of where the blame lay. The media to this day continue to point a gnarled finger in any direction other than at Anfield, so the scapegoats never again find a home nearby.

This is not the most effective measure. The only true way to combat this pest is to find the root of the problem and flush it out. This crux is the real reason why scapegoats are so drawn to a location. If the local council at Highbury continue to ignore this advice, then the ratio of scapegoats to people will tip wildly in favour of these animals.

The source is a mixture of things, but it is a concoction which attracts this breed from miles around. From unspent riches, to unaddressed weaknesses in the squad, via a splintered group of fans, Arsenal football club must combat this source if the infestation of scapegoats is to be nulified.

Meanwhile, our cameras have picked up another litter of pups sporting a previously unseen facet of their DNA. This litter is completely hairless, and has spawned thanks to the poorly-timed excuses of Ivan Gazidis – Arsenal’s Chief Executive. The ire from fans has created this new sub-breed, and a new name for the pups and their future kin – Gazidor Iveia – is fitting.
It looks as though the scapegoat problem is here to stay. Next week, I visit Manchester, where a virulent strain of pric*has been discovered which had only ever been previously found in Portugal, Milan, Madrid and the Kings Road. 

Advertisement