We have all had enough of these infernal transfer windows. January and August are now synonymous with reading numerous tweets and headlines that churn out the same hope-giving yet bullshit-offering nonsense.  The majority have mastered turning the other cheek when viewing these woefully under-researched links and stories. Some though – including myself – have yet to subdue the last vestiges of light that shine whenever we see that Wenger is going to finally ” Spend £50m on World-class Midfielder!!!!!!”

So, for these people – and as some form of catharsis for myself – I write this with the aim of inserting some realism into proceedings. There are enough people out there spewing balderdash. Welcome to a healthy splodge of what you need to hear.

On a daily basis, Arsenal have been linked with a plethora of players that are supposedly at Heathrow supping upon a Chai Latte, or have been seen in a blacked out Lincoln Continental that was driving into Colney. I will now go through some of the more persistent rumours with a view to diminishing some of their potency. I banish thee, bullshit!

Gundogan & Hummels


This story came to light on the 15th of January via The Express. Supposedly a £55m bid will prise away two of Klopp’s luminaries and will leave us with a complete squad. Sounds so simple. There isn’t a chance in tottenham that Wenger will do this. He prides himself first and foremost on his ability to grow players. He will not bring in an established international at the expense of a rising star unless his hand is forced. Why bring in Gundogan when that will hamper the progress of Jack and Ramsey? Not to mention the sudden emergence of forgotten man Coquelin? Gundogan certainly fits the bill though in terms of player type. His style is nigh on identical to Arteta who has just been curtailed for another three months through injury. Gundogan is a possibility, but a double move with Hummels included? Unless it’s a BOGOF ( Buy One Get One Free for all you Waitrose shoppers out there ) then Wenger probably will keep his cheque signing finger holstered.

Winston Reid


A centre-back with a contract that expires in the summer. A centre-back that has good experience of the Premiership. This is a deal that could happen. He is highly-rated by Hammers fans but a shoddy showing for them when we played and beat them 2-1 could go a long way to deciding his future. The problem with this link is that we have no idea if Wenger rates the player in question. All Gooners are inherently aware of our defensive situation. We need bodies. Reid would be a cheap and able buy who could slot in seamlessly. This could happen but facts are scarcer than Charlie Adam Fan club Members. Will it happen? I’ll go out on a limb here. I’ll say no. I just don’t think Arsene rates him.

Morgan Schneiderlin


This story is one that has persisted since the summer. Perhaps the most pertinent point is one that was raised a while ago on the Goonersphere Podcast – Daniel Cowan mentioned that we have had tabs on Morgan since he was plying his trade with the Saints in League 1. If we wanted him, we have had ample opportunity to nab him, and on better terms. In the summer, tottenham emerged as front runners to his signature. Do we really think we would let them jump ahead of us if we really wanted to purchase him? He would undeniably fit perfectly into our team but there are so many variables to this story that scream the truth – not least the ‘source’ to this story is the “Secret Footballer”. The same ‘Secret Footballer’ who is widely known in footballing circles as goal-shy ginger Dave Kitson. So is Morgan coming to the Emirates? According to a former Reading and Portsmouth player – yes. that should tell you all you need to know.

Virgil Van Dijk


Despite this man having the best name in football ( behind Rod Fanni of course ) the people responsible for this story come from the Daily Star. Celtic don’t want to sell. Yes, he could be a cheap alternative and he is only 23 but he is entirely unproven at an elite level as well as the fact that THE DAILY STAR ARE THE PEOPLE BEHIND THE STORY!!!!! Ahem. This is a no go.

William Carvalho


This move has been widely touted since the move died in the summer – thanks to rising demands from the players agent. It is as near to fact as you can get with transfer news that we know that Wenger wants this player. Whether demands from the player or his agent prove a stumbling block again is another matter. The longer it goes on though, the shorter that Carvalho’s contract gets. The problem is though, that it runs until 2018! I personally cannot see Wenger buying him in January, but in the summer he may dive back in. Besides, the main stumbling block to Arsene signing the sentry we need in the centre is the surprising form of Le Coq. While a man already in our ranks and not costing an Ivan’s ransom is doing the business, why would he chuck money at a problem that has been rectified? Its a compelling argument.

Marcelo Brozovic


Apparently, according to the Telegraph, we have been in talks to sign Brozovic since October. Sounds plausible. A £6m bid is believed to be tabled but that doesn’t ring true for a player they are ridiculously labelling ‘ the New Xavi ‘. A rangy midfielder at an Eastern European team that isn’t a Champions League regular? This story may have legs.

All of the links above may be in fact currently worked on by our very own ‘Milk Tray Man’ Dick Law. Unlike these ‘ITK’ types like ‘The Secret Footballer’ ( I can’t even type that without laughing ) we have no knowledge as to who our Manager is currently targeting. What we can ascertain is that he is acutely aware of our weaknesses and if he doesn’t strive to reinforce a brittle defence then the fault will lie at his feet when we line up in March with a defence that consists of Vik Akers and Steve Bould’s cat.

One story that did raise some cheer and should do with some of the more dour of us – is the news that Chuba Akpom has been offered a 3yr deal. What a fantastic prospect he is and in the regard of snaring and tying up our talent, Wenger has never faltered. There is a story we can all get behind.