Posted on Goonersphere.

31/08/17 – 0430hrs

I thought this would be a good idea. The Transfer Window has taken on a life of its own in the last few years, and anything from behind the scenes could make a small fortune. Just imagine, there could be a movie – The Diary of a Football Transfer Guru!

Anyways, the reason I’m up so early is it’s the last day of the window before it slams shut and doesn’t open back up until January. That means everyone will be up and at ‘em today. If it’s anything like the last few years, it’ll be frantic and relentless. Perhaps not a patch on the famous window of 2012, but who knows?

I’m at my breakfast table and I’ve got my bowl of Coco Pops and have Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles on the TV. Their spirit and faith towards Master Splinter never fails to inspire me before a big day. My phone is already ringing. It’s Ivan……

31/08/17 – 0515hrs

Ivan has given me the list of targets for me to meet up with and work my charm. There are three, and they could be huge signings for Arsenal! I’ve finished my Coco Pops and I’ve had a shower, now it’s time to dress the part.

No transfer mogul is complete without the obligatory power suit. One that says “I’m all about the details, you won’t get anything past me,” but also “I also own a subscription to National Geographic Magazine.”

I don’t. I buy Wordsearch books.

So, my suit is on and my Peter Griffin tie completes this amazing business ensemble. The tie sprinkles in a bit of the unknown you see, it puts them off-kilter a bit.

Now, just to call my PA, Maurice, to book the flights to Paris, Southampton and Monaco, then I’m ready!

I’ve thought of everything. Let’s go and make some deals!

31/08/17 – 0620hrs

I’ve seen every airport lounge, sampled every Toblerone you can imagine – did you know they do a mint one? – but Heathrow is always the beginning of every journey. It’s special, and the staff there are great to me. They know me now, and they often help me to carry my things. They have a quick turnaround of staff though, they often forget to come back with my stuff!

Queues are the enemy of any passenger at the airport, but not for Dick Law! Thanks to my high position at Arsenal, I get Business Class everywhere I go! The plushest of seats, extra legroom, all the Fanta I can drink! It is the fact I don’t have to queue though, that really makes the difference. This is vital, being the jetset, business-type that I am. Hold that thought, Ivan is on the phone again…..

31/08/17 – 0630hrs

Just ended the call from Ivan, and that is the end of my mammoth Haribo scoffing session. Apparently, if I want to eat sweets, I’ve got to do it on my own bank card, rather than the club’s dosh. Stan has been watching the club accounts you see….

Anyway, there’s been a slight mishap. Maurice didn’t actually book the flights to Monaco. So, now I’ve got to queue up with the rest of the plebs. I’ve told Maurice to contact the Chairman of Monaco to let them know I’ll be delayed a little, but it shouldn’t make too much difference.

Once they meet me and listen to the words I spin, they will be entranced. Then, they’ll be a Gunner!

Arsene will be so pleased, if I get even one of these deals over the line, then I’m sure to get more coupons for the skateboard I’ve had my eye on for ages! Arsene makes sure I get coupons for my good work, and I want that skateboard!

Let’s do this!

31/08/17 – 1200hrs

After queueing, then the delay on the runway, then waiting to get off the plane, then passport control, then stopping to get Toblerone, then the cab to meet the Monaco chairman, I was four hours late.

The Chairman wasn’t there when I got to the meeting point. He had left a message with a member of staff though, telling me that the player has joined elsewhere.

Darn it! I had some great lines stored up to woo these guys! I have to phone Maurice and reinforce how important the next two meetings are. Before I do though, Ivan is on the phone….

31/08/17 – 1300hrs

I’m back at Monaco airport, and I’m just about to go in for my Business Class flight to Paris. Ivan wasn’t pleased about the missed meeting. I told him that it was down to Maurice that I missed everything, but he didn’t let me speak. He just kept shouting at me. It was only when I started to cry that he stopped.

Anyway, this next meeting is maybe more important than the last. We’ve sold a few players recently that means we need new ones – the Szczesny deal was all down to me! – so Paris needs the finest Dick Law that I can be! Mum always says that appearance is just as important as words, so I’ve got toItomake sure I rinse out the jam stain on my Peter Griffin tie when I get into the Executive Bathroom!

Paris here I come, I don’t think you’re ready for the Dick whirlwind!

31/08/17 – 1304hrs

Maurice didn’t book my tickets – again. It means I’ve got to queue up again and get in with the rest of the cattle. I’ve got ten minutes before I do all that, so I’m in the bathroom getting rid of the jam stain and I’m doing my mouth exercises in the big mirrors. Annunciation is a big thing, and I want to impress the big cheese’s at the Parc Des Princes with my big words. 

Annunciation is one of them, I’ll slip it in there somehow!

Now, I’ve got to go, my flight is near and the town that was inspired by Blackpool and their Tower is calling!

31/08/17 – 1605hrs

The flight was bumpy, they didn’t serve up any Babybel, Maurice never booked the transfer from the airport to the stadium offices – and I was mega late again.

The staff at the club tried to find the Chairman, but we eventually found out they had flown back to Qatar and said they won’t be doing business with people who can’t grace them with proper timekeeping! Charming!

Their loss, they didn’t even see my Foghorn Leghorn impression! That was the dealmaker for sure!

Ivan is ringing again, this might take a while…..

31/08/17 – 1700hrs

Ivan threatened me. He said if I don’t get this last deal done, then I can kiss goodbye to that skateboard I want.

I’ve got to get cracking. I’ve got all the talk, all the skills, I just need to get to Southampton. Best call Maurice and make sure the flight is booked, as well as the transfers. I’m not going to miss this one. This deal will go down in history, and it will be all down to Dick Law, transfer expert extraordinaire!

31/08/17 – 2300hrs

I missed the flight. I missed the meeting. According to Maurice, it’s because he’s invisible and can’t touch the keys on the keyboard. It never stopped him when we were kids though…..

Anyway, that means the three players have moved to other clubs, and Arsenal have missed out.

Worse still, the skateboard is gone. Ivan has sent me a Whatsapp with it sawn in half. I cried a little, so I ate one of my toblerone’s to cheer myself up. I suppose I best get to bed, It’s been a long…..

Wait a minute!

I’ve just got a text saying a player has stated his interest in joining The Arsenal! All I have to do is get back to Southampton, and we can talk!

I’m going to get a cab, this could change everything!

01/09/17 – 0002hrs

I got to the meeting, I did my impression, used my big-boy words, my tie sparked a conversation – it went perfectly!

We quickly progressed to negotiations, and this is when my intellect comes into play. They wanted £25million – I hit straight back with £3.


They didn’t like that! After a long argument, they then came back with their second figure.


I smashed it straight back with £1.50 and a slice of Millionaire Shortbread.


That was when I was asked to leave.

I’ve asked Maurice to ring me a cab, but that was a while ago.

It’s getting quite cold and I forgot to bring my mittens that my mum knitted me.

Ivan is calling my phone….