” Hi there, welcome to BLIND DATE!!!! Here is your host, Miss CILLA BLAAAAAACCCKKK!!! ”
” Awright chucks, it’s Cilla ‘ere! We’ve got a fantastic show for you tonight with a lorra laughs and hopefully a lorra love! First off though, let’s meet our contestant shall we? ”
Cilla, resplendent in gold sequin shellsuit, sashays over to the contestant who sits on a high pedestal chair. The audience whoop and clap in unison.
” Awright there chuck!! Lovely to meet yer, tell us all yer name and a bit about yerself!! ”
The contestant, wearing a sharp slate grey suit with red tie, clears his throat before speaking.
” Hello. My name is Arsene Wenger. I’m the Manager of Arsenal Football Club and I’m here to find leetle beet match made in heaven.”
” That’s wonderful chuck! What exactly are yer looking for?”
” I’m looking for an answer to our midfield strength issues.”
” Well, tonight could be yer night Arsene! Here’s our Graham with the three suitors!”
” Thanks Cilla! Tonight Arsene could be walking in heaven if he chooses Contestant Number 1!! ”
Contestant Number1, previously unlit and therefore a mystery to all, suddenly becomes illuminated to reveal who it is. It is Sami Khedira. The crowd produce a chorus of ‘OOOH’.
” Another option for our Gallic friend waits for him in the form of Contestant Number 2! ”
Contestant Number 2 is bathed in light and is visual to all. It is Asier Illaramendi.
” The final option for our French genius is Contestant Number 3! ”
From darkness to light, Contestant Number 3 emerges. It is Geoffrey Kondogbia.
” Well Cilla, we’ve seen the potential jigsaw pieces, can Arsene find the one who fits? It’s over to you.”
Cilla holds up her mike and speaks to Wenger. ” Arsene, You’ve got yer questions, it’s time for yer to ask them! Over to you! ”
The crowd amp up the atmosphere with the right mixture of ‘oohs’, ‘aahs’ and ‘ Sort your life outs!’
Arsene creaks out a small grin and begins to speak.
” We are one-nil up in a tight game, requiring mental strength. There is five minutes to go. How do you see out the game? ”
Sami Khedira – ” I would make sure we are all back, defending as one. A strong unit. Organisation is key. No time for showboating ”
Asier Illaramendi – ” Keep the ball, pass and move. If the opponent does not have the ball they cannot hurt you.”
Kondogbia – ” Use whatever means that are at your disposal. Gamesmanship, set-pieces, timewasting. Use your strength to overpower.”
The camera cuts back to Arsene who is listening intently. He asks the final question.
” Interesting. Second question now. Your opponent has a particularly troublesome player who consistently finds space in your ranks. How do you solve this problem?”
Sami Khedira – ” I would mark him tightly. I would nullify his threat. I would be his shadow.”
Asier Illaramendi – ” I would make my teammates aware of him and marshall our response as a team. Make sure he does not pass next time.”
Kondogbia – ” Whatever it takes. I would let him know I was there, by any means necessary.”
Cilla walks over to Arsene and drapes one arm over his shoulders. ” Well chuck, you’ve heard all the answers yer gonna hear. Have yer made yer mind up sweetheart?”
Arsene offers her a quizzical look.
” If you need help chuck, ‘ere’s our Graham with a quick recap ”
” Arsene, will you pick Contestant Number1, who values efficiency more than any other trait? Or maybe Contestant Number 2 who prefers a more fluent response to threats? Another option is Contestant Number 3, who doesn’t mind being cynical in order to get the result! ”
Arsene looks at the crowing audience, perhaps for inspiration. Numbers being shouted out create a cacophony of nonsense. Amidst the noise, the all-knowing Graham cuts in……
” Or perhaps Arsene, I can tempt you with what’s behind the MYSTERY DOOOOORRRR!!!!”
Spotlights swivel around and settle on a door adorned with question marks. The crowd, now on the verge of hysteria, provide the perfect response to the narrators mystery.
Arsene, almost immediately says ” I choose the Mystery Door ”
The crowd, before the choice, were on the precipice of delirium. Now, a blanket of silence covered the spectators. The shock was tangible.
” Well chuck, yer were sure about that! Ok darling, let’s see who waits for yer behind the door!! ”
The door slowly ekes open. Two figures filter out from the aperture. They are Jack Wilshere and Aaron Ramsey.
” Weeeell Arsene, you chose the Mystery Door and your match is Ramsey and Wilshere! ”
The crowd are now a living sea of queries and questioning eyebrow raises. What in blue blazes was this?
” Well chuck! These players are already yours! Are yer happy? ”
Arsene stands up directly in front of the audience, almost as if to address the audience.
” We have the players to solve our problems. They have all the skillsets necessary to provide us with a firm foundation from which to launch attacks. We just need a run of fitness and games to forge a strong unit. We also need these players to hit form. Both of which we have been leetle-beet lacking. We need defensive bodies, but the shield in front of our defence is already there. We just need to make it. ”
The theme tune for ‘Blind Date’ gets cranked out. Cilla throws up her hands as if to question what he meant. The lights become dimmed as the credits roll over the screen. Graham cuts in to talk over the credits.
” Will this be a match made in heaven? Will Arsene come to rue these missed opportunities? Will Arsenal remain suspect at the back? Tune in on January to find out! We’re back next week and Brendan Rodgers is our guest, he’s looking for an answer to Balotelli!! ”